I sit at 4:30AM, unable to sleep for my own folly, with my rather large afternoon nap. Sitting here, simultaneously in a funk and clear in differing ways, I wonder what the inspiration I'm feeling really is, and when/where it will truly manifest itself. Recently I've had a lot of inspiring moments, of clarity, truth, beauty and love, and I've had a number of pathetic ne'er do well moments that my first instinct is to chastise myself for and be ashamed of.
I recently heard on a movie a line something to the effect of shame/guilt is a useless emotion, there is nothing helpful about it. I disagree, it just seems that way because it's application is often backwards. From what I've been told, the average inmate doesn't see themselves as guilty, where the average person often feels far more guilty over things that could be considered trivial. I dare to think that this goes for the majority of society. It's ironic that the two most well known applications (or lack thereof) of guilt are people using it incorrectly. Guilt is supposed to be a thumbtack placed on your seat. Just a sharp reminder that you have stepped outside your moral boundaries for just a moment. If you've run rampant outside said moral boundaries, you forget what they are entirely and how guilt would apply to your life, so it's just easiest to say not guilty. The problem I have, which I believe is quite common, is that I will step closer to that moral barrier than I ever normally do, even if it's well inside according to most peoples standards, and I will rack myself with guilt over it. It can get debilitating. Granted, I'd say I've been much better about not debilitating myself in that way than I have in the past, but in small moments, it still happens.
One thing I truly believe about life on planet Earth is that everything is perfect. That's not to say that life is fair, or anywhere in the vicinity of equal, but our lives that we each live are perfect for us, because we spend every waking moment creating them. Down to the toothpaste we buy, or the twitch of an eyebrow. I was recently rather foolish and I misunderstood what I was told and didn't ask any clarifying questions. I am absolutely accountable for this. I ended up standing up a date unintentionally. This is not to say I left her sitting, waiting at a restaurant when I didn't show, but just that I didn't call her the day off to set specific plans because we are both, apparently, terrible at deciding what to do on a date. At this point I don't think another date will be scheduled, for the most part due to her feelings about me not calling. I must be honest in that I believe that's a rather harsh reaction to what happened, but well within her prerogative. I wouldn't want to convince her to go against her better judgement in order to go on a date with me, along with if she's really that unforgiving, what kind of a relationship am I really going to cultivate with her? I can't say for sure, but it definitely wouldn't be starting off on the best foot, so to speak. The misunderstanding I had in that conversation is life's way of giving me a reminder that I really need to ask clarifying questions if I'm not sure about a situation, or agreement I have with someone. That's what makes all our lives perfect for us.